How to balance your need for rest while still meeting your baby’s need for connection

You know you want to be very responsive when your baby cries. You don’t want your little one to feel alone or abandoned, and so you vow to be up for every cry, and every whimper throughout the night. Or, you have decided you will sleep with your baby so they have your presence there for every wake up.

The problem is, if you don’t get enough sleep yourself, you feel like a zombie, and the crankiest version of yourself. You know you want to be loving and kind to your child and loved ones, but you find yourself snapping at every little thing. You are desperate for a break, but you don’t feel you can take one because your baby might feel upset if you leave them while you do anything that resembles self-care.

Does this sound familiar? This is how it was for me when I was a young mom. I didn’t know how to balance my need for rest with my need for connection with my baby. I thought I had to be there for her constantly, even if that came at my own expense. Needless to say, I was exhausted. 

This struggle is something most parents contend with at one time or another. Of course, when your little one is a newborn baby, they need lots of support and care. They need help regulating just about every system in their body. They need to eat frequently in order to grow and to build your milk supply (if you are breastfeeding). So, yes, the first three months are tiring, which is to be expected. It doesn’t make it easier, but when you know it’s normal for your baby to need so much care, you can work with it. And hopefully, you can get some help with all the other household obligations.

However, when your sleep is interrupted 4-5 times a night for months (or years) on end it takes a toll. It’s hard to think clearly, and you may find your energy and mood are unstable. You may feel wired and tired, teary and angry, all while still being there for your little one, as well as all the other tasks that occur in a day. If this goes on for too long the risk of depression and/or anxiety grows. (If you find yourself feeling this way, there is a great resource called Postpartum Support International or PSI.org) 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a responsive, engaged parent, as well as to feel more grounded and functional. Finding a balance is important, but guilt has a sneaky way of creeping in when you think about taking care of yourself. This can be especially challenging if that means you leave your little one with someone else, and they cry while you are away from them, or you let them fuss during the night. 

However, if your own need to rest and recharge is consistently put on the back burner, depletion is very likely going to be the result. It’s important to keep in mind that you are not selfish for taking time to rest and recharge. It may be hard to quiet that nagging voice in your head, but know that finding a balance is a worthwhile endeavor. 

Finding the balance between your needs and your child’s is not easy and is often a moving target. Just when you think you’ve got a handle on your little one’s sleep, they hit a growth spurt, or a developmental change, or teething, or have an illness. And then you are back to many wake ups at night and trying to figure out how you can manage on so little sleep.

Sometimes, your child needs lots of support and you have to find a way to make it work. But, finding a way to meet in the middle with you getting closer to feeling rested and your child still getting their needs met is possible. (And, you don’t have to wait until they are 10 years old to make it happen.)

Not everyone feels this way, but for those of us who struggle with this issue I am here to tell you, you are in good company. There are a lot of us out there, even if you feel like you are the only one. Some people can function on less sleep than others, but the research is out there that without good sleep, our health suffers. 

Sleep and rest are not a luxury. They are essential to being able to function well in body, mind and spirit. When we don’t get enough consecutive hours of sleep at night it can wreak havoc on your overall health and well being. 

So how do you square this up with being a parent who wants to respond when your baby cries during the night? 

Here are a few suggestions:

• First, recognize that you are running on fumes and you want to find a more balanced way to care for your baby as well as yourself. The first step is acknowledging what is happening and how you are feeling. Next is knowing that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of awareness and strength. This whole parenting thing goes better with support. I don’t think we are meant to do this alone and without back up.

• Being responsive when your child needs support teaches them that they can trust their world and the people who care for them. But equally important is that the caregivers in their lives know how to regulate their own emotions so they can co-regulate with their children. If a parent or other caregiver is so exhausted they are struggling to stay calm and be present for their child then the balance is off and the child and parent suffer. If a parent isn’t getting enough sleep, finding a way to help both parent and baby get more rest through the night will help both feel more resourceful during the day. This is where it can be helpful to tag team the nights if you can, or hire extra help if you can do that, or hire a sleep consultant who can help you come up with a plan for how to get more rest while still being responsive to your baby.

• Getting more rest at night doesn’t mean leaving your child to cry hysterically, but it may mean letting your child fuss a bit while they figure out their own way of settling to sleep. This is not going to cause harm, and you can still respond if they clearly are struggling. Building resilience is as important as building trust. This is where it can be helpful to have a clear plan on how to move past reacting at night to responding as needed. (Holding your baby all night in an upright position is not a sustainable solution. Let’s figure out how you both can sleep safely lying down!)

• Here’s something to try- before you respond to your little one who wakes during the night, wait a beat. Or two. Sometimes little ones will stir, cry out, move around, make noise, and then settle back to sleep. If you respond quickly, your baby might come to expect you to feed or rock them for every wake up. Giving them a few minutes to try to settle on their own doesn’t mean leaving them to cry it out. You can still respond, but by slowing down and giving your baby a minute to try to settle themselves they may surprise you. It might feel counter-intuitive to wait- you may feel that responding quickly means everyone gets back to sleep quickly. The worry is that if you let your baby be, they will wake up even more and be harder to get back to sleep. This may be true of a newborn baby, but as little ones get older, they have more ways to settle themselves, and when given the opportunity, will find their way back into sleep. Of course, if your baby is hungry they won’t likely go back to sleep without a feed. But if all is well with your baby’s weight gain and they are getting enough to eat during the day, they can usually go longer stretches at night without a feed. Again, this is for a baby past the newborn phase. If your baby wakes every hour during the night and wants to eat every time they wake they are not likely waking out of hunger.

• Find one or two activities you can do during the day that recharge your battery. It can be anything that nurtures you and helps you feel less depleted. It doesn’t have to be much or take much time, but by consistently finding ways to nurture yourself you are making it more possible to be present with your child. This does not mean staying up super late to watch stuff! If your self-care means you sleep less, that's not really sustainable. Some down-time zoning out can be good, but not night after night when your sleep needs are the priority. Recharging activities can be doing some kind of exercise, dance or meditation, writing or drawing, playing music and/or singing, taking a nap, or even just closing your eyes for a few minutes and taking slow breaths. Anything that is intentional, and just for you will do. It’s not going to replace sleep, but it will help to slowly restore a sense of your own needs being met.

• Find one or two people whom you trust who can hang out with your little one. This may not always be possible, but when you can, allowing others to help care for your child gives you a chance to recharge, and your child a chance to experience being cared for by another person. I know it can be hard to let go, and to not feel guilty about not being there for every moment your child is awake (or asleep). Guilt is such a tricky feeling to navigate, and usually doesn’t serve us. It can eat away at making decisions that are important for you as well as the whole family, and often creates second-guessing. Comparing yourself to others is also not helpful. We all struggle with it, but if you can keep reminding yourself that what works for one family may not work for yours keeps you in the driver’s seat in your own life. 

• Spend time on the floor with your child for some part of each day, as well as time outside. Hanging out on the floor gives your child a chance to explore with you nearby. You can lie down, listen to music, and watch your child as they experience movement. You don’t have to constantly entertain your child. Respond when they engage with you, but otherwise just being present has meaning and value. Try to put down your phone and just rest. As well, being outside (weather permitting) is good for both you and your little one. You don’t have to go far. Walks are nice, but so is just sitting on a blanket and watching the trees and sky and birds. This is a great opportunity for a nature recharge. We often think we have to do things to entertain our little ones or they will get bored. But babies and toddlers benefit from simple activities that are familiar to them that they can repeat over and over. This helps lay down the foundation for further exploration and development.

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You have not failed as a parent if your little one cries. You don’t have to work so hard to keep them from feeling anything but happiness. It’s exhausting to do that, and it’s not sustainable. Children who have caregivers who are there for them through all of the inevitable ups and downs know that they can move through all kinds of experiences and feelings and be ok. It’s hard to do that when you are so tired you can’t tolerate any kind of emotion but happy ones. By being more rested you will be able to be there for your little one with a greater capacity to parent the way you want- engaged and responsive, calm and connected.

If you find yourself in need of some support to create a more balanced, rested life let me know. I know what it’s like to be worn out, and I can help you find solutions that feel right for you and your family. You don’t have to do this alone and you don’t have to muscle your way through every single day completely wiped out. There’s a way to parent that allows you to be present for your baby as well as for yourself.

Disclaimer: Elizabeth Green's Early Parenting Sleep Consultations and written material are for educational purposes only and are not meant as medical advice. All spoken and written information is to be used at each parent's discretion.