Part 1 of this blog series was about how younger babies (3-6 months) struggle to settle to sleep. Part 2 is all about babies 6-12 months and what keeps them from letting go.
Part 3 is all about toddlers (1-3 years) and why they tend to fight sleep.
There’s a lot going on for toddlers. They are learning so many new skills and are quite driven to practice walking and climbing and talking. It can be hard to relax enough to settle to sleep as kids this age often want to go, go, go! Settling down enough to sleep is not part of a toddler’s agenda.
There’s a big difference between a 1 year old and a 3 year old in terms of their development. Most 1 year olds are just learning to walk whereas a 3 year old is often running and jumping and likely climbing. 1 year olds are just beginning their journey into the world of words whereas a 3 year old can be quite adept at language and can communicate quite well.
And what about 2 year olds? They are often in a world of their own as they are emerging from early toddlerhood. There are often big feelings for a 2 year old as they try to communicate what they want, but may not have the language for yet. Meltdowns are common at this age.
Here are a few reasons why toddlers have a hard time settling to sleep and staying asleep:
Children this age are often very active. It can be exciting to learn to walk/run/climb and it can sometimes be challenging for them to calm down and settle to sleep.
As your toddler becomes more mobile and able to move away from you, there can be a resurgence of separation anxiety, especially at bedtime. They may want more cuddles and closeness and are reluctant to let you go.
You may find that your little one is requesting you to do certain things before they go to sleep (water, a snack, a hug, a book, etc.) The more you accommodate the requests, the more requests there are!
You may need to adjust to a one nap a day schedule as your one year old gets to be 14-16 months old. If your toddler gets too much daytime sleep or the nap is too late in the day, that can make it harder for them to settle at bedtime.
Some toddlers become more selective about what they will eat and may be refusing meals only to say they are hungry at bedtime or in the middle of the night.
Teething can also be a factor during this time as new teeth start to emerge. This can wake a toddler especially during the night when there are less distractions.
Your toddler may have figured out how to climb out of their crib which necessitates moving them to an open bed. This is often a big adjustment period. (You can read more about this here.
As your toddler’s language and imagination take off, this can sometimes mean more fears emerge. They may tell you they are afraid of the dark or of monsters and want you to sleep next to them either in their bed or on the floor, or they may come into your bed in the middle of the night.
Why it’s important to hold boundaries for toddlers and how this can help with sleep.
What does it mean to “set and hold boundaries” for a toddler? To me this means giving your child guidance on what you want them to do or not to do and then sticking to that expectation even if they protest. It does not mean punishment. It means you are helping them navigate the world with your support. You are providing guard rails as they figure out how their behavior impacts others.
Toddlers often want to do things themselves or want to direct what is going to happen. This is especially true as they acquire more words and discover that you respond when they tell you what to do. If your child wants to read more and more books at bedtime and you keep letting them have one more book this can mean bedtime becomes quite late and a meltdown is more likely to happen. It can be beneficial to set a boundary by letting them know in advance how many books you will read, and you reinforce it when they ask for more by calmly letting them know that reading time is over for the night.
You may feel that you are dampening their spirit if you set limits or direct them in any way. You don’t want to squash their budding independence and I understand that. But there is a difference between giving them room to explore and letting them run the show. You may think it’s not a problem to let them decide where to go and what to do, but if they feel they have too much power that can be scary for a young child and can make them feel more insecure.
This can be especially true if you find yourself setting a limit one minute and then “caving” the next. If your child can wear you down and you then do what they want, it can make it more compelling for your child to keep pushing; and it can be more confusing.
If you find yourself thinking ‘yeah, my kid is in charge in our house’, and bedtime has become a battle ground that leaves you frustrated and exhausted, it may be time to work on setting and holding clear boundaries so your child knows what to expect and that you are going to respond to them in a consistent manner. This can help them relax and settle, which can mean an easier bedtime and more sleep for everyone.
When you hold clear boundaries and are consistent in what you say and do, your child is less likely to struggle as much with the transition to sleep. And if you respond in a consistent way in the middle of the night, there is less incentive for them to wake up.
Here are a few common scenarios and suggestions for how to address each challenge:
Your toddler cries every night when it’s time to go to bed. They cling to your neck and refuse to let go. You end up holding them for an hour. Just when you think they are asleep and you go to put them down, they wake and start crying again.
This can happen when your little one is experiencing separation anxiety. They know sleep is coming soon and they don’t want to let you go. This often coincides with new developmental changes like learning to walk.
Suggestion: Spend time in your child’s room so they associate their room with other activities as well as getting ready for sleep. Listen to music or play with stuffed animals on the floor. In fact, it can be helpful to play out your night time routine with your little one’s stuffed animals. Pretend play can make separation more manageable for your child. Keep to your bedtime routine and be sure to talk with your toddler about what is coming next. Reassure them you are close by and they will see you in the morning. You can cuddle for a little while, but it’s best not to wait until they are already asleep before you transfer them as they can become upset when they wake and see you are gone. They may become hypervigilant to your movements even if they seem asleep in your arms. It’s better to put them down awake even if there is protest and reassure them that you will be back to check on them.
Your little one wants to read more books. You comply as you like that they like to read. But one more book turns into two and three and pretty soon bedtime is taking a very long time and there is a meltdown once you put your foot down.
It can be easy to slip into a longer bedtime process as your toddler requests more engagement from you. As lovely as it is to read, it’s important to recognize when your child is stalling. Often the request for more books (or more anything) is a stall tactic.
Suggestion: Let your toddler know that you will be reading 2 books, singing one song, and then it will be time to say goodnight. Letting them know ahead of time what to expect helps to set a clear boundary. Then you want to hold it if they start asking for more. Remind them that you can read more in the morning. They may protest for a night or two to see if you will give in to reading more to them, but you want to hold steady and let them have their feelings while you hold the boundary.
Your toddler says they are scared of the dark and of being alone. You feel bad for them so you have been lying on the floor until they fall asleep which can take over an hour.
Toddlers are very good at reading body language and energy. If they notice that you make a certain face when they say they are scared or lonely, they may say it again to see what will happen. This is not manipulation! They are genuinely curious to see what you will do. And they may be feeling a bit anxious about you leaving the room.
Suggestion: Acknowledge what your child has said, but try not to spend too much time talking about it. The more you focus on trying to convince your child there is nothing to be scared of, the more they will want to keep talking about it and often the fear gets worse. You can provide a small night light but don’t keep lights on in their room. You can lie down for a minute while they get settled, but don’t stay in the room until they fall asleep. This can often lead to it taking longer for them to settle and can mean multiple wake ups as they call you back in. Instead of staying in the room, let your child know you will be back to check on them.
Your child has figured out how to climb out of their crib so you moved them to a toddler bed. Now they get out of their bed multiple times and keep coming out of their room. The only way they will go to sleep is if you lie down with them in their bed.
This is a big transition and the freedom to move about the room (and to leave the room) is something most toddlers want to explore. It might take your child a long time to get to where they will settle to sleep which means bedtime can take forever, and night wake ups become more frequent.
Suggestion: Once your little one is no longer in their crib you want to think of the whole room as their sleep space. Be sure the whole room is toddler proof, and consider putting a gate at their door so they know they need to stay in their room at night. This is not meant as punishment but as a way to create a safe contained space for your little one. It can take 1-2 weeks to make this transition so be patient and hold steady with your bedtime routine. You can check in on your child but try not to stay in the room while they settle to sleep or they will likely want that every time they go to sleep.
Your toddler only falls asleep at bedtime after you tuck them back into bed multiple times, and after a lot of negotiations for more books, hugs, water. They then wake multiple times at night to call you back into their room to tuck them back in and to give them more hugs, water, etc…
If you are unsure about setting boundaries at bedtime you may find yourself in this scenario. It’s often an indication that your child is determining what will happen and you are going along for the ride. It can be exhausting to struggle through a long protracted bedtime with a child who keeps asking for more and more.
Suggestion: If bedtime has become a battle and you feel you are caving in to demands every night, it’s time to move back into the role of guide or leader. As tempting as it is to give in, this often creates an incentive for your child to keep pushing. Instead, be proactive at bedtime about what you will be doing and try to build into your bedtime routine all the things that your child often asks for (going potty, getting tissues and water). Let your child know at bedtime that tissues are by the bed, as is their water and they can get them on their own. Let them know that you will tuck them in one time at bedtime and then they can do it for themselves whenever they need to during the night.
Every night at bedtime your toddler says they are hungry. You don’t want them to be hungry so you end up bringing them a snack in bed or you end up giving them milk at bedtime and whenever they wake up during the night.
It can be so tough if you think your child is hungry at night! But the more you offer food/milk at bedtime and during the night, the more they will come to expect it. Most toddlers don’t need to eat or drink milk during the night. They need to eat and drink during the day and rest at night. It can be a tough cycle to change, but it can be done. It’s also important for your toddler to brush their teeth before bed so all food and milk should be given before teeth brushing.
Suggestion: If you know your little one hasn’t had much to eat at dinner time you can offer a before-bed snack in the kitchen before you brush their teeth. This can include milk along with something that is substantial enough to help them not feel hungry. Be sure your toddler knows that once they are all done eating they can have more in the morning at breakfast time. If they say they are hungry at bedtime or during the night you can offer a small amount of water and then remind them they can have a big breakfast in the morning. It might take a few nights for them to get used to it, but they will likely start eating and drinking more during the day.
It takes your toddler forever to fall asleep at bedtime. They don’t seem that tired and you are at your wits end to get them to settle down and go to sleep. They end up taking a 3 hour nap during the day and the cycle repeats itself. Or, your toddler refuses a nap midday and then falls asleep in the late afternoon and then can’t fall asleep at bedtime.
As toddlers get older they can become more sensitive to too much daytime sleep. Be sure to slowly drop the amount of time your little one naps and be sure they are up early enough in the afternoon to build up sleep pressure to be able to settle to sleep at bedtime.
Suggestion: Getting your toddler up around the same time every morning can help to set their midday nap. If your little one has had a tough night and bedtime was late, they may want to sleep in the morning rather than midday. Try to keep them up by going outside or playing with water to keep them up until midday to help them reset. If your toddler refuses to sleep midday, be sure to keep them from taking a late afternoon nap by avoiding going in the car. Your bedtime might need to be moved a little bit earlier but usually they will reset to taking a midday nap after a day or two. And if your older toddler (3 years and up) is taking a 2 hour nap and then having a hard time falling asleep, you may need to shorten the nap to 1 hour and/or drop the nap altogether.
Parenting a toddler can be so much fun and also so exhausting. They can be quite active and are often chattering away the whole time they are moving. One minute they might be asking you “why?” to everything you say, and the next they are melting down when something doesn’t go just as they want it to. It can be quite the roller coaster ride!
It’s a topsy turvy time full of new discoveries which can mean more resistance to letting go to sleep. Navigating this wild ride takes patience, a sense of humor, clear boundaries, and goes best with support, especially if you are struggling to figure out how to help your little one get the rest you know they need. You can usually tell when a child isn’t getting enough sleep as they don’t have the resilience to handle life’s challenges. If your little one is whining a lot and just doesn’t seem their cheery self, let’s talk. I’d be happy to help you come up with a game plan so you all can get some sleep!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. Always consult with a pediatrician or healthcare professional for specific medical advice. Every baby is different, and what works for one may not work for another.
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