My baby keeps waking up every time I put them down. What are some sleep tips and tricks to help my little one to stop resisting sleep?
(This is Part 1 of 3 in a series. Part 1 is about infants ages 3-6 months. Part 2 (coming soon) will focus on infants 6-12 months, and Part 3 is all about toddlers.)
If you are like many parents, you may be puzzled by your baby’s behavior around sleep. You know your little one is tired, but they either resist sleep or wake shortly after you help them settle. I have spoken with many parents who reach out with this issue and have recently had the opportunity to care for a sweet three month old who has been learning how to settle herself to sleep (as well as resist sleep!). I have had a chance to practice what I teach while I watch her figure out this important process.
Here are some reasons why your young baby might struggle to settle to sleep and stay asleep:
Your baby is becoming more aware of their world and with this awareness comes the recognition of what it feels like to be in arms and what it feels like to be put down. Even a baby in deep sleep may wake once they no longer feel your arms around them.
The circadian rhythm is still developing in young babies and their sleep patterns are still forming. Following your baby’s tired cues as well as keeping track of how long your baby has been awake can be tricky at times. Finding the right balance of being tired enough but not overtired is what you are aiming for.
If you are doing the work of settling your little one to sleep (bouncing/rocking/patting/shushing/feeding) they will likely want you to do the same thing every time they wake up. Your baby is beginning to recognize patterns and is developing preferences.
As your baby goes through developmental changes, what once worked may stop being effective. This is the nature of growth and awareness. Your baby will likely express their preference for being held while sleeping. This can become unsustainable if being held is the only way they will sleep.
Young babies who are no longer swaddled (and they should be out of a swaddle by 3 months) are learning what to do with their arms and hands. They may startle themselves awake or bat their paci out of their mouth or rub their face which might keep them from letting go, or wake them up once they are asleep.
Why it’s important for your baby to move before settling to sleep
I’m a big believer in giving babies time and space to move their bodies so they can learn how to settle themselves to sleep.They might swing their arms around or rub their face or bat their ears or turn their head and kick their legs. All this movement might not look like settling and might seem unhelpful but it is how your little one gets used to moving and eventually settling. However, what I have noticed is that when a baby becomes more upset and tired, those same movements can become jerky and frantic, which can keep a baby from letting go.
It’s important to give your baby time to get used to their arms and legs moving so that they can begin to have some control over these movements. However, once a baby becomes overwhelmed and overtired their movements can keep them from dropping into sleep. That’s when it’s time to help them settle.
Babies need time to move and adjust their position to find what works for them in terms of settling. In that process of learning there are times when they can tip into overdrive and have a hard time calming their bodies. Learning what works for your baby to settle into sleep more easily takes time and practice, but it can be done!
Here are a few common scenarios and suggestions for how to address each challenge:
1. Your baby falls asleep easily in your arms but as soon as you put them down they wake up and start to cry.
If your little one is falling asleep easily, that’s a sign that they are ready for sleep which is a good thing! That usually means they have built up enough sleep pressure and your timing for their nap or bedtime is spot on. However, sleeping on you has likely become their preference and they now have the awareness of the difference between your arms and their crib.
Suggestion: After a sleep-time routine, and before you help your baby settle to sleep, place them down in their crib or bassinet awake to move and look around. This is just for a short period of time and is best done when your baby is not too tired or upset. That way, they get used to their sleep space and won’t be as startled to be placed there. Then you can pick them up to help them settle to sleep. Once they are asleep in your arms, hold them in stillness and wait until they are relaxed (between 3-5 minutes) and then place them down so their bottom touches the crib mattress first and then lower their head. Keep your hand on them for a minute to help them settle. You may have to do this a couple of times before they let go.
2. Your baby is just about to settle to sleep in your arms when they suddenly squirm and rub their face, keeping themselves from letting go.
At a certain point babies start to notice what it feels like to fall asleep. Some babies resist this transition by trying to stay awake through rubbing their face, kicking, and squirming. They may not like the way it feels to drop into sleep.
Suggestion: Give your baby some time to squirm and move out of your arms before you help them settle to sleep in your arms. If they start to resist letting go you might need to offer more support through snuggling them a little closer to your body, or tucking their arms against you so they are contained, or walking around until they are more calm. Just be careful that you are not trying to contain them in your arms for too long. You don’t want to get into a power struggle with your baby. If they keep resisting sleep in your arms, put them down again to move around on their own for a few minutes and try again.
3. Your baby wakes 30 minutes after you put them down for the night and fights going back to sleep.
This is often called a false start. It’s a common occurrence, especially if your little one is overtired. If your baby has not had as much daytime sleep as they usually do, or you have had a particularly stimulating day, this can occur. It can feel so counterintuitive to have a very tired baby resisting sleep or waking shortly after they go down, but falling asleep very quickly and then waking up shortly after is often a symptom of being overtired.
Suggestion: If you’ve had a stimulating day, spend some time in a calm soothing environment for 20 minutes or so before you help your baby settle to sleep. Let your little one move and make noise to get out some of their energy before you help them settle. If they do wake up after 30 minutes (this is at bedtime) wait 1-3 minutes before you respond to give them a chance to try to settle back on their own. They may still need some help but that little bit of time gives them a chance to work on settling back on their own.
4. At nap time, Your baby falls asleep in your arms and makes the transfer to the crib but wakes 30 minutes later even though they are still tired.
Short naps are common for young babies, so if your little one wakes after 30 minutes and is happy then that’s all the sleep they need. However, if your baby wakes and is fussy or rubbing their eyes, or they have had many short naps in a row, it may be time to try to help them settle back to sleep. This is sometimes called “rescuing the nap” or helping your baby link their sleep cycle.
Suggestion: If your baby wakes up cranky, try for about 10 minutes to help them settle back to sleep. If they just can’t let go, stop; it’s not worth fighting to get them to sleep for longer. If they do settle back to sleep, hold them for 5 minutes or so in stillness until they are in a more relaxed state and try to put them back down. If they wake on the transfer and you have the time, you can let them finish their nap on you.
5. Your baby fights sleep for every nap and at bedtime. They resist letting go and will flail and wail while you try everything you can to get them to let go. And once they are asleep in your arms as soon as you go to put them down their eyes pop open and the cycle starts over again.
This can be the most frustrating scenario! You know your baby is tired, but they seem to be allergic to sleep! It can be exhausting to struggle through every nap and so tough to keep your cool at nighttime. Some babies are more sensitive to transitions than others. They may be more sensitive to other things as well like lights and sounds and even to sensations with digestion. They may be going through a developmental change, or growth spurt, or may need their wake time adjusted.
Suggestion: Try to keep to a fairly consistent routine with feeds and naps. Go through a nap time routine to give your baby time to adjust from being awake to settling to sleep. Give your baby time to move around before you help them settle so they can get some energy out. If this causes more upset then try to rock for a few minutes before you put them down. If you can, lie down next to your baby so they know you are nearby. You can experiment with how much to interact. Some babies do better with less contact than others. Then try to help your baby settle to sleep by holding/rocking/feeding. If you have been trying for 20-30 minutes to get your baby to sleep and they are still resisting, take a break for 30 minutes and try again.
6. Your baby will lay in their crib for quite a while kicking and squirming and might start to drift off to sleep only to wake back up by rubbing their eyes or knocking their paci out of their mouth. They seem ready to sleep but can’t quite let go unless you help them.
This often happens with young babies who are figuring out what to do. The time awake in their crib is important and helpful even if they still need your help in the end. Eventually they will be able to drift off to sleep on their own.
Suggestion: Keep giving your baby awake time in their crib to move and vocalize. Sit down next to their crib and offer reassurance as needed with a soft word or gentle touch. You can offer the paci back if it falls out. If your baby is still struggling after 10-15 minutes to settle to sleep then you can pick them up to help them settle and then put them back down. If their arms start moving you can gently hold your baby’s hands to help them relax until they let go. Just don’t hold them for too long (that can be really hard on your back and ultimately doesn’t help a baby learn to get used to their arms moving.
I know how challenging it can be to have a baby resist sleep. It can be tough to stay calm when all you want is for your little one to get the rest they need. Keep in mind your baby is still figuring out what to do and needs your support so they don’t become too overwhelmed with the process.
Your little one will figure out what to do with those arms and will get better at being able to settle themselves with time and your support. And if you are struggling, reach out! I’d be happy to support you through this challenging time. We can set up a call to talk this through. I’m here for you!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. Always consult with a pediatrician or healthcare professional for specific medical advice. Every baby is different, and what works for one may not work for another.
Comments